The Most Dangerous Moment: Marie's Story

It was right around 3 a.m. on October 28 when the phone rang in my dorm room. "They're calling all of us to the sorority house. It's an emergency," the voice on the other end of the line said. I honestly, to this day, can't recall who called me or any of the details of what was said in the hours after that. But, I can tell you what I learned, what's been written in the papers, and what friends shared.  And I can tell you how it impacted my world view, how I advise friends, and what I do in my work with clients.

It was 1988. Articles, classes and workshops about teen dating violence and relationships weren't a "thing." Facebook didn't exist. The hashtag #ThatsNotLove meant absolutely nothing (http://www.cnn.com/2016/02/24/health/teen-dating-abuse-thatsnotlove-one-love-foundation/). I was in college. Guys were either nice or not nice... there wasn't a lot of nuance or discussion around the psychological profiles of other students. We didn't talk about "emotional or psychological abuse," "controlling relationships," and certainly not "narcissistic abuse." We just dated someone. Or we broke up with them. 

In this case, that choice meant life... or death.

Marie Pompilio was just 18, a freshman at Northwestern University, the college I had already attended for more than 2 years. She and my little sister had recently joined the sorority to which I belonged. Peter Weber, Marie's 20-year-old boyfriend of 8 months, was an honors student, studying engineering at the University of Illinois, Chicago. According to many reports, he had been demanding of Marie's time and was very jealous of anything that took her away from him. Marie just wanted to dedicate more of her energy to her new school and new friends.

Her mother Anne (now deceased) said that Marie had called her the evening before we all got that 3 a.m. call -- around 6:30 on October 27. "She told me Peter was coming over and she was going to break up with him." Friends reported she told them her plans, as well. And that was the last anyone heard from Marie.

The next call Marie's mother "received was later that night from Peter. He said that he'd had an argument with Marie and her keys had fallen from her hand just before she jumped out of his car a couple of blocks from her sorority... Weber returned to Marie's dorm room at 10 p.m. to drop off her keys and surreptitiously gather a ring and other mementos. He told Marie's roommate that Marie would likely be spending the night with a friend." (source: http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1990-10-07/features/9003230492_1_clothing-peter-weber-police-station)

Her mother reported her missing a little after midnight. Weber, in a move that would later astound and horrify everyone, joined the family in the search for her.

Her body was finally found the next evening two miles from campus -- "lying face down beneath a bush near an alley. Her clothes had been torn from her body and her throat and hands had been deeply and repeatedly slashed." Later, Weber, "who outweighed Marie by 65 pounds, said he had accidentally strangled her in self-defense after she attacked him wildly during their argument. He'd later removed her clothing, he said, and cut her throat in an effort to conceal the accident and make it appear that she had been sexually attacked." He was convicted of first-degree murder in 1990 and sentenced to 30 years in prison. He was eligible for release in 2005. I have been unable to find any information about his release or whereabouts. (http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1990-07-27/news/9003030256_1_peter-weber-murder-or-involuntary-manslaughter-prosecutors)

What does a young college student DO with this horror... a crime so shocking that took away the life of someone who, just yesterday, had been so vibrant and energetic, full of excitement for her bright future?

As I said earlier, I don't remember much about those days. I'm sure I was in the same fog of shock that many others were in. I think I remember counseling being offered. I hope some students took that suggestion. I did not. I remembered it. But I had "gotten over it."

Until I realized I hadn't.

In 1991, a work colleague and I had become close friends, taking lunch and smoke breaks together from our downtown Denver high rise office. We often talked about our dating woes and, one day, she told me that she was planning to break up with her boyfriend that night. I freaked. "Do NOT do it somewhere where you are alone with him!" I demanded. She was horrified, "He would never hurt me! He's never done anything like that..."

It was at that moment that I realized my entire worldview had changed when Marie was murdered. I had met my colleague's boyfriend. He was quite lovely. But, I remembered that, just a year before, Iliinois Assistant State`s Atty. Sander Klapman said of Peter Weber: "He's intelligent. He's good looking. He's a killer." I realized that I truly believed... and still do... that ANYONE can snap. Anyone. Mother Theresa? Sure. The Pope? Yup. YOUR boyfriend or husband? Absofreakinlutely!

I read about and hear the same story over and over again. Man kills girlfriend. Man kills boyfriend. Man kills wife. Wife kills husband. And when does it happen? AT THE MOMENT OF BREAKUP. And family, friends, colleagues, neighbors all say, "But, he/she was so nice/successful/well-groomed/helpful/perfect/funny/well-spoken/gregarious... he/she couldn't KILL someone!" Ya. Ya they could. Leaving an abusive partner may be the most dangerous time in that relationship. "Women are 70 times more likely to be killed in the two weeks after leaving than at any other time during the relationship." (source: http://www.dvipiowa.org/myths-facts-about-domestic-violence/)

Now, it's the one message I am VERY clear on with clients...and friends.
"He's sending me threatening texts messages." Believe him.
"She says I will regret this." Believe her.
"I need to go back to the house to get a few things." Take a police escort.
I tell them WHY they should believe it. I tell them her story. Marie's story... The story of The Most Dangerous Moment.

Then, we plan. Carefully.

Click here to create an interactive Safety Plan: http://www.loveisrespect.org/for-yourself/safety-planning

Sources:
http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1990-10-07/features/9003230492_1_clothing-peter-weber-police-station

http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1997-11-06/news/9711060069_1_weber-marie-murdered

http://articles.chicagotribune.com/1990-07-27/news/9003030256_1_peter-weber-murder-or-involuntary-manslaughter-prosecutors

My Partner Says I’m Crazy… Am I?

Narcissistic Abuse:
Cruel, Confusing and Corrosive

It’s common for me to get a call from a potential new client that goes something like this:

Caller: “Can you help me? My relationship is on the rocks. My partner told me that I need to get help because I’m crazy and that I’m destroying the relationship.”
Me: “Is your partner going to join you in therapy?”
Caller: “My partner says they don’t need help. I’m the one who needs to learn how to communicate.”

This is when I usually chime in with a quote I’ve borrowed from that Geico commercial we all love: “That’s not how this works. That’s not how any of this works.” I usually follow with, “Why don’t you go ahead and see if they will come along. If they are hesitant, please tell them I would really like to hear from them, in person, about what is wrong with YOU.” This usually works… once.

That first session with the two parties tells me a lot. Many times, the person who made the original call is reduced to tears, defeated, hugging a pillow, crouching on one end of the sofa while the complaining partner lists off their endless criticisms that cut deep, “Lazy… Stupid… No common sense… Crazy… Over-emotional… Out of control….Dishonest… Seems to be losing memory,” and more. They take no responsibility for their part in any relationship strife. None. Any attempts to point out flaws in their arguments are met with a change of subject or cunning redirection.

After that first session, they never return.

The partner who made the original call, however, does return. I ask them a series of questions. Are you:

·      Constantly second-guessing yourself?
·      Accused of not remembering things correctly?
·      Accused of not hearing what your partner said correctly?
·      Feeling like you need a reality check?
·      Thinking no one else would believe what’s going on at home because your partner is so charming to everyone else?
·      Feeling a loss of your self, a loss of joy, self-esteem?
·      Always apologizing… even for things that may not be your fault?
·      Finding it impossible to confront your partner with even the smallest complaint?
·      Being accused of making stuff up?
·      Hearing, “It’s all in your head,” or “I never said that,” a lot?
·      Feeling like you get so confused and angry that you become someone you don’t like or recognize… and wondering if you possibly ARE crazy?

If these red flags resonate with the client, they usually have tears of relief to have their experiences validated…finally!

These are all signs of NARCISSISTIC ABUSE. It is toxic and DESTRUCTIVE and dangerous to your health – mental and physical. This type of abuse can lead to depression, anxiety, PTSD and many other odd or unexplained symptoms.

You’ve probably heard the word “narcissist” thrown around in the media, particularly in the realm of politics. Narcissism presents itself on a scale. And there IS such a thing as a “healthy level of narcissism.” But then there is full-blown Narcissistic Personality Disorder – NPD. The Mayo Clinic’s website says: “Narcissistic Personality Disorder crosses the border of healthy confidence into thinking so highly of yourself that you put yourself on a pedestal and value yourself more than you value others.”

Not all people with NPD are abusive. But, many are… and they can pull out all of the stops: Lack of empathy, manipulation, deceitfulness, smear campaigns, and gaslighting. The National Domestic Violence Hotline website describes gaslighting as “…an extremely effective form of emotional abuse that causes a victim to question their own feelings, instincts, and sanity, which gives the abusive partner a lot of power (and we know that abuse is about power and control). Once an abusive partner has broken down the victim’s ability to trust their own perceptions, the victim is more likely to stay in the abusive relationship.”

YES! This sounds familiar! What should I do?

FIRST: Know you are not alone. This article itself should begin your process of realizing that it’s NOT YOU. And you’re NOT CRAZY.

NEXT: Learn more. I will list some great books at the end of this article. There are many out there.

THEN: Get support. Find a good therapist or support group. Sadly, your friends and family members may not understand. It’s so difficult to explain and leaves you so tongue-tied that many victims feel defeated when their typically supportive friends and family don’t “get it.” Find support people who list “narcissistic abuse” or “personality disorders” as a specialty. (www.psychologytoday.com lets you conduct a search using those criteria.)

DON’T: Show this article to your partner and expect them to have an “aha moment” and suddenly decide to get help or change their ways. Abusers with Narcissistic Personality Disorder rarely change because they rarely agree to get any type of real help. Basically, they don’t believe they need help.

They believe it’s you who needs help…

SUGGESTED READING:

BASSON, DR LINDA (2013-07-26). SURVIVING NARCISSISTIC ABUSE (e - Self help series) (Kindle Locations 3-6). LIANNE TULLOCH.

Bancroft, Lundy; Patrissi, JAC (2011-11-01). Should I Stay or Should I Go?: A Guide to Knowing if Your Relationship Can--and Should--be Saved (Kindle Locations 1270-1271). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Tudor, H G (2015-10-14). Escape: How to Beat the Narcissist (Kindle Locations 39-43). Insight Books. Kindle Edition.

Janet Ferguson, LMFT, LLC, is a therapist with private practice offices at People House in both Denver and Aurora, Colorado. Her specialties include couples and family counseling, as well as individual work with abuse and trauma survivors. For more information about Janet and how to contact her, please see http://www.jfergusoncounseling.com. 

NOTE: Author has purposely chosen to use the terms “they/them” throughout this article for gender neutrality purposes.